Dearest Paul
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest Paul:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves…. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear Paul:
Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such
generosity.
Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist….
you’re just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Dear Paul:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest Paul:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each
finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, Paul, all those
squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19th
Dear Paul:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front
steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep
through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
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December 20th
Paul:
What’s with you and those darn birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of
stupid joke is this? There’s bird crap all over the house and they never stop
the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night.
IT’S NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those darn birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking,
but they had to bring their own darn cows. There is crap all over the lawn
and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me.
Ag
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December 22nd
Hey Stupid:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers piping. And Christ – do they pipe. They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here
yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching
birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours.
From Ag
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December 23rd
You Rotten Jerk:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those tramps ladies.
They’ve been fooling around with those nine pipers all night long. Now the
cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap.
The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m calling the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
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December 24th
Listen Dumbass:
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping. They keep “leaping” up on all of
The furniture and chasing around the aforementioned “ladies”?
Those pipers have become bored and keep getting drunk and tipping the cows.
All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death with all the leaping and chasing. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
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December 25th
(From the law offices Hawkins, Bertram, and Jones)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Hawkins, Bertram, and Jones
Attorneys at Law
